The Secret Diary of .. America

American media
Now is the time for cool heads but America is doomed. This is the end. The end is just beginning. The end is spelled Trump, and Trump spells the end of civilisation, of democracy, of happiness. No one is happy. The 77 million Americans who voted for Trump don’t count. They never did count for anything. They are the worst people to walk the face of the earth. We know this because we know better. We are the world, not them. The world is in mourning. The world has stopped spinning. Things are terrible. Do we have a reason to wake up? No. Do we have a reason to exist? No. But here we are, and we must look for signs of hope. There are none.
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American celebrities
Why didn’t America listen to us? Why didn’t America recognise our superior grasp of economics? Why didn’t America take into account we have a firm grasp on reality? We stood by Kamala. We stood for Kamala. We stood a little bit in front of Kamala but only because that sent the right message. We are Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Leonardo di Caprio, Matt Damon, Rihanna, Billie Eilish, Jennifer Aniston, Anne Hathaway, Katy Perry, J-Lo, Robert de Niro, Oprah Winfrey, Olivia Rodrigo, Bruce Springsteen, Cardi B, Madonna and many, many other celebrities who are far more famous and yet strangely less influential than the celebrities who voted for Trump.
Kevin Sorbo
Christ is king. Trump is president. Goodnight.
Russell Brand
God bless America.
American satirists
We warned America! Don’t say we didn’t warn America AT THE TOP OF OUR VOICES! We mocked Trump and AMERICA LAUGHED! Every single American, except for 77 million who have no sense of humour and no understanding of the noble purposes of satire. We made monologues. We impersonated. We were so FUNNY. We put the WHOOPEE CUSHION OF SATIRE beneath Trump whenever he sat down! It made HILARIOUS NOISES. We drew A HITLER MOUSTACHE on pictures of his face! It spoke truth to power and that always MAKES A DIFFERENCE.
Yes, our campaign to laugh Trump out of the Presidency was like those wonderful Berlin cabarets which did so much to stop the rise of Hitler and prevent the outbreak of the Second World War.
Christopher Luxon
Oaky well I think the thing you have to remember is that I’m pretty much all over this, and have sent off my congratulations to President Trump who I know will be needing to hear from me and needing to know that I am in his corner as the world moves forward to greet a new Presidency, or an old Presidency renewed and made better than ever, and I know that he will be making New Zealand a priority, he is a big fan of New Zealand, he has New Zealand’s interests at heart, people are making too much about tariffs and what-not, if there’s one thing President Trump wants it’s a good deal, it’s free trade, it’s business, and in that respect and many others, including my relationship with media, celebrities, and satire, it’s easy to see why I am widely regarded, and I say this in all modesty, as New Zealand’s  Trump.